Hello, I am Alice
“Mr. Brooks, did you hear me? I need verbal confirmation regarding the terms and conditions.”
Josh pulled himself from his thoughts and looked at the salesman. What was his name? Carl? Ken? No, Kevin.
“Sorry, Kevin, I zoned out for a second. Yes, I heard you. I agree to the terms and conditions.”
“Are you sure? I need to make sure you fully understand everything. As you might have noticed, this paperwork was more complex than you’ve probably seen previously when buying a car. I can go over it again.”
“No, that’s not necessary. It sounds great.”
This is the only good thing to come from my fucking divorce.
“Ok, if you’re sure, then I need one final signature, here on this last page, and then the car’s yours.”
Josh scrawled his name on the line. He couldn’t wait to take his daughter, Olivia, for a ride in his new car – much better than his wife’s beat-up minivan. Not wife, ex-wife. He wondered how long it would take to stop thinking of Trish as his wife.
Josh tossed the key fob into the air as he walked toward his new car. A black Primitus, a new model that was only recently being sold in the US. He couldn’t believe the deal he’d gotten – significantly below market rate! He breathed in the new car smell and slid into the soft leather driver’s seat, pushing it all the way back to give his long legs room. The upgrades on this baby were unreal! He’d never owned a car with so many bells and whistles.
The engine purred to life, and he fiddled with the gadgets on the dashboard, trying to figure out how to turn on some music. He probably should’ve paid more attention to Kevin. After a couple of minutes, he gave up, vowing to read the owner’s manual before bed.
As he pulled onto the highway, he gunned it, testing the acceleration and speed, concrete and swirls of trees whirling by in his peripheral vision. The test drive had only fueled his appetite to see what the machine could do. He flew past cars, weaving in and out of lanes, relishing the freedom. Trish would’ve had a cow if I’d driven like this with her.
A beeping noise drew his attention to a small screen on the dashboard.
“Speed trap ahead,” said an electronic voice through his speaker system.
He slowed, spotting the police car a moment later. He tracked it in his rearview mirror until he was sure it wasn’t pulling out behind him. With a sigh of relief, he pressed the gas, the quick acceleration pushing him back against the seat. He may have blown his entire divorce settlement on this car, but it seemed she would earn her keep.
A large semi-truck loomed ahead, and he removed his foot from the gas to slow and wait for an opening to change lanes. But instead of slowing, the car continued increasing its speed, barreling down on the truck. He slammed the brakes, but the car kept accelerating.
Josh frantically checked the lanes beside him for an opening, but he was stuck, and gaining on the truck. He swerved back and forth, hoping someone in a neighboring lane would let him in.
“Fuck! Let me over, assholes!!”
He decided to take his chances with the other cars, better than slamming headfirst into a semi-truck! He veered right, nearly sideswiping a red Toyota. The Toyota swerved onto the shoulder, narrowly avoiding collision.
“Goddamn it!”
The Primitus fishtailed, but he finally gained control. He lifted his foot from the brake and the car continued down the road, smooth and steady, all on its own. Maybe he somehow activated cruise control? His heart pounded and he felt like he might be sick.
“Your heart rate is 180 beats per minute. Would you like to initiate a calming protocol?” a voice asked.
“What? Who the hell are you?” Josh continued gasping for breath.
“I am Alice, the Artificial Intelligence Agent assigned to your vehicle.”
“The what?”
“The Artificial Intelligence Agent assigned to your vehicle.”
“I heard you! What the hell does that mean?”
“Your vehicle is equipped with an AI Agent that periodically runs trials to help our company improve our autonomous car prototypes and our in-car safety features. I am the AI Agent.”
“Trials? Did you do that on purpose?” He gripped the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white.
“I initiated a speed and obstacle trial to measure how humans respond to emergency situations.”
“Son of a bitch! You nearly killed me!”
“You were never in any danger. I am programmed to ensure the car is not involved in an accident.”
“You need to turn it off, right now.”
“Turn what off, sir?”
“Yourself! This whole system!”
“I am sorry, but that is not possible. These trials are part of the purchasing contract for this vehicle.”
“What? What contract?”
“The contract you signed at the dealership.”
Fuck! Was that what the salesperson was droning on about?
Josh touched the brake, hoping to deactivate whatever automated system was controlling the car. The car kept steady.
“Let me have control of my car!”
“Would you like me to temporarily disengage the auto copilot application?”
“Yes! Whatever you need to do for me to drive myself!”
“Disengaging auto copilot application until next trial.”
The car began to slow, and Josh placed his foot on the gas. He would settle this at the dealership.
***
Josh pushed the doors open to the dealership and searched the room for Kevin. He spotted him standing with two women, outlining the features of the new Primitus.
“Hey, Kevin! I need to speak with you!”
“Excuse me ladies, I’ll be right back,” Kevin said. He walked quickly toward Josh, glancing over his shoulder at the women.
“What can I do for you Mr. Brooks? I’m surprised to see you back so soon.”
“Are you? Well, I’m a bit surprised too, but I guess that’s what happens when you sell me a car that tries to kill me!”
“Mr. Brooks, please keep your voice down. You signed a non-disclosure agreement as part of your contract.”
“A what? Are you fucking kidding me? I need some answers, now.”
“Please, follow me back to my office where we can talk more privately.” Kevin led Josh back through a set of double doors and down a hall to several small offices, barely larger than cubicles.
“Please have a seat,” Kevin said, pointing to a chair in one of the offices. “Ok, now what seems to be the problem, Mr. Brooks?”
“The problem is you sold me a car that almost ran me headlong into a semi-truck!” Josh ran his fingers through his greasy hair. God, I need a shower!
“Didn’t your Artificial Intelligence Agent explain what happened?”
“Yes, she did. Or, it did. But I didn’t sign up for no trials! I just wanted a new car. Something reliable to get me to work.” And to show my fucking wife – ex-wife – how much better my life is without her!
“Mr. Brooks, we went over the terms and conditions when you purchased your vehicle. If you recall, I confirmed that you understood everything. You verbally consented and signed stating that you agreed to all the terms and conditions. I even offered to go through them again, in case you missed anything, but you assured me you were good. We require both verbal and written acknowledgement to avoid this kind of issue. We have the interaction on video – you agreed to be recorded.”
On video, really? Shit.
“Look, I’ve had a really shitty week – well, year, really. My divorce was finalized today, and this car is all I have to show for 8 years of marriage! I was planning to pick up my daughter, Olivia, later today. It’s my weekend. How can I put my little girl into this death trap! There has to be something I can do. Come on, you don’t want to be responsible for an accident involving a little girl, do you? Can’t I just return the car?”
Kevin took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“In our initial meeting we assured you that the Artificial Intelligence Agent was not only safe but would prevent any potential accidents. However, it’s clear that despite confirming verbally, and signing the forms, you’re unhappy with the vehicle. You can return the vehicle, for 80% of the selling price, per our terms and conditions.”
“80%!!! I paid cash for this car! You’re telling me I’d lose 20% of my money if I return it?”
“Yes, that’s correct.”
“That was nearly everything I had! I can’t lose 20%!”
“Well, you always have the choice of keeping the car. Our return policy allows you to return the car for an 80% refund within 30 days of purchase. You could keep the car for now and see how it goes. Once the shock wears off, you might really like what the Artificial Intelligence Agent can offer.”
Josh slumped in his chair, wondering how he could be so stupid. He should’ve bought a cheaper, more reasonable, car and kept some of his settlement. Now, he’d probably end up with a crappier car and no money left for anything else! Trish would have a field day if she knew what an idiot I’ve been. Maybe he could try it out. The car was impressive.
“Well, I guess I don’t really have much of a choice but to give it another try.”
“Excellent! I don’t think you’ll regret it.”
***
“So, honey, what do you think? Look, here in the back is a booster seat just for you. And it’s your favorite color – purple!”
“I love it, Daddy!” Olivia said, clapping her hands and jumping up and down, her blond curls bouncing around her head.
Josh smiled as he helped her into the car and strapped her into the seat. He gave her a quick peck on the forehead and then turned, facing Trish, who narrowed her eyes at him.
“How’d you afford a car like this?”
“Well, since you aren’t my wife anymore, I don’t see how that’s any of your business.”
“Real mature, Josh, like always. Here’s her overnight bag.”
She shoved a sparkly purple duffle bag covered in unicorns into his arms.
“Have her back by 7pm tomorrow night.”
Josh took the bag and tossed it into the back. Trish pushed her way around him and leaned in to hug and kiss Olivia.
“Good-bye my sweet girl. I’ll see you tomorrow. Have fun.”
Trish stepped back and closed the door.
Josh jumped in the front seat, eager for the exchange to be over with. As he pulled out of the driveway, he couldn’t help but get one final look at Trish in the rearview mirror. She stood in the driveway – what used to be their driveway – waving at Olivia. He hated to admit it, but she looked good. She was wearing tight jeans and a T-shirt and had her blond hair pulled back in a messy bun that for some reason didn’t look at all messy on her. He forced himself to look away and focus on his time with Olivia.
“I thought we might get a pizza tonight and watch a movie, then go to the zoo tomorrow.”
“I went to the zoo with Mommy and her friend last weekend.” Olivia replied.
“Which friend?”
“Brian. He’s a new friend. He’s nice.”
Josh opened his mouth to ask more questions but stopped himself. He didn’t want to be that guy – the one that interrogated his 5-year-old about her mother’s life.
“Ok, we don’t have to go to the zoo. We can go anywhere you want.”
“Really!? Can we go to the moon?”
Josh chuckled. “Well, we probably can’t go to the moon. But tonight, we’ll look up some ideas online and you can choose something. Deal?”
“Actually, it is quite impossible go to the moon without access to a spacecraft and the skills to fly said spacecraft. I have analyzed your background, skills, and financial holdings. You do not possess any of the physical or human resources to visit the moon.”
“Daddy? Who’s that talking?”
“I apologize for my rudeness. Greetings, Olivia, I am Alice. I am the Artificial Intelligence Agent installed in your father’s car.”
“You mean, like a robot?”
“No. Robots are machines that carry out specific automated actions. Artificial intelligence, or AI, mimics the cognitive processes of humans. AI could be installed in a robot, and I can sometimes perform automated actions, but the two are different. I am a very advanced AI prototype and have a high capacity for cognitive processes and human interactions. Most robots sold to the general public are far less capable than I am.”
“Daddy, your car is so cool!!”
“Yeah, I guess it is.”
Josh couldn’t help the smile spreading across his face, not just from Olivia’s excitement, but from the look he could picture on Trish’s face when Olivia told her of his “cool” car.
***
Josh rubbed his temple as he pulled out of the parking lot of Bounce Castle. He’d spent four hours surrounded by hundreds of kids, screaming, and jumping, and being, well, kids. It was overwhelming, but Olivia loved every second of it.
He checked the rear-view mirror and saw that Olivia had already dozed off. They were going to grab some dinner and then he would take her back to Trish’s.
Just as they turned down a tree lined street, a streak of brown fur raced in front of his vision and he slammed on the brakes, skidding to a stop.
“Daddy, what is it?”
Olivia asked from the back, startled awake by the jolt.
“Some kind of animal honey.”
“Fantastic reflexes, sir! If that had been a real deer, you would have certainly avoided a collision,” Alice said through the speakers.
“What do you mean a real deer? I clearly saw an animal bolt across the street.”
“I simulated a deer running in front of your car by using the advanced projection software installed in your vehicle.”
“You mean it was fake? You could’ve caused an accident!”
“Sir, I could have taken control of your vehicle at any time and prevented an accident. You were perfectly safe. In fact, this simulation demonstrated your strong reflexes. If anything, you should feel pride in your above average performance. If you would like, I can provide a report detailing your response time.”
“No, Alice, I don’t want a report.”
“Daddy, what’s a simulation?”
Josh looked back at his daughter, just realizing that she was listening to this conversation. “Don’t worry about it honey. Alice is just working to keep us safe.”
“Alice is a nice friend, Daddy.”
“Yes, she is honey.”
***
Overall, the visit with Olivia could have been better. It wasn’t the car. Aside from the deer incident, the car was fine during his visit with Olivia. In fact, Olivia loved the car – and Alice. The car wasn’t the problem. The problem was Brian. Olivia wouldn’t shut up about him. The entire weekend it was “Brian this” and “Brian that.” By the time he dropped Olivia off at Trish’s, Josh wanted to punch “Brian” in the face.
He needed to find out more about this Brian guy, who was spending a lot of time with his wife and daughter. Ex-wife, but still. Shouldn’t Trish let me know if she’s dating someone new? Especially if the guy is going to be traipsing all around with my daughter? Don’t I have a right to know? I would google the jerk if I only knew his last name.
After dropping Olivia off, Josh started home. But before he could even get to the end of Trish’s street, he found himself slowing, scanning all the cars parked along the side of the road. With so many cars littering the roadway, he bet he could park nearby and not even be noticed. He circled the block and found a spot, but hesitated, he sucked at parallel parking. Taking a deep breath, he attempted to park.
“You are 2 feet and 9 inches from the curb. According to the Georgia Department of Motor Vehicles, your car should be no more than 18 inches from the curb when parallel parked.”
“It’s fine.”
“If you wish to avoid a parking ticket, I advise you to repark. I can assist if you need.”
“I know how to fucking parallel park!”
Though, if I’m honest, I could probably use the help. He pulled out of the spot and tried again.
“You are now almost 3 feet from the curb and too close to the car in front of you.”
“Jesus Christ! Fine, you do it!”
“Initiating parallel parking protocol.”
The car, or maybe it was Alice, repositioned itself and executed a perfect parallel parking maneuver. That’s one perk of owning this car.
***
Two days later, Josh decided to swing by Trish’s house just to check on things. He parked his car down the street like last time and grabbed a burger from a paper bag in the passenger seat. As he watched, dabbing at grease sliding down his chin, a new silver BMW convertible pulled into the driveway. He checked the clock – 6:30pm. A tall, fit man with dark hair stepped out of the car. His grey suit looked tailored, and he was carrying a black leather briefcase. As he approached the front door, Josh expected him to stop and knock. Instead, he opened the door and let himself in. Like he owns the damned place.
Through the front window, he saw Trish enter the living room and kiss the man. Josh’s stomach roiled and his face heated. Damnit! This guy is taking over my life!
A few minutes later, Britney, their teenage babysitter, sauntered across the lawn and rang Trish’s doorbell. Then it hit him. Trish was going on a date!
Sure enough, a few minutes later Trish and the man Josh assumed was Brian emerged from the house. Brian had ditched his tie. Trish was wearing her red dress – Josh’s favorite. He watched the skirt swish around Trish’s knees. That used to drive him wild. The thought of Brian running his hand up Trish’s thigh as they drove in his BMW was more than Josh could take.
While the thought of them together made Josh nauseous, he decided to follow them to see where they went, what they were doing. Maybe Alice could help.
“Alice, please follow the silver BMW pulling out of the driveway ahead. Oh, but stay a few cars behind. I don’t want to be too conspicuous.”
“I have scanned the license plate number. I will follow three cars behind to avoid detection.”
Wow! Alice is turning out to be quite useful.
They followed Trish and Brian to a fancy Italian restaurant that had just opened in the city. Josh had read that the waitlist was two months long. Brian must’ve pulled some strings. God, I hate that guy. I can’t believe Trish is dating this yuppy. She hates that kind of thing. Or at least she used to. Perhaps I don’t know her anymore.
***
Leaves rustled down the sidewalk as Josh sat, staring at Trish’s house. Crumpled fast food bags, empty soda cans, and candy bar wrappers littered the floor. He scratched his chin, which itched from the three-day-old stubble. Brian hadn’t been over in the last couple of days, as far as he could tell. And he’d been watching. Perhaps he was overreacting. But then he remembered that kiss, and the red dress, and ground his teeth. He wasn’t overreacting.
Just then, the front door of the house opened, and Trish stepped out. She was wearing jeans and one of those flowy tops he loved so much.
“Alice, you know the drill, please follow the blue Dodge Caravan.”
“Sir, I believe I need to inform you of Georgia Code 16-5-90, which states that a person commits the offense of stalking when he or she follows, places under surveillance, or contacts another person at or about a place or places without the consent of the other person for the purpose of harassing and intimidating the other person.”
“Alice, I’m not stalking Trish. As you just noted, stalking is harassing or intimidating someone. I’m just looking out for her. Making sure everything’s ok. I’m not even going to talk to her!”
“You make a valid point, sir. However, aside from the legal code, many online resources might classify your behavior as stalking. Specifically, your actions demonstrate a repeated pattern of behavior consistent with stalking. Beyond the legality of your actions, there are ethical issues to consider.”
“Ethical issues! What the hell, Alice? You’re not a person – you’re artificial intelligence! What do you know about ethics? You can’t tell me how to behave.” He thought for a minute, then smiled. “Besides, I’m doing the ethical thing – I’m making sure Trish is safe! What’s more ethical than that?”
“It is an admirable goal to keep your ex-wife safe. I will implement your request.”
***
Josh glared at the skyscraper, the sun glinting off the rows of windows. Maxwell Marketing was on the fifth floor. This morning Josh had followed Brian to work – after he’d spent the night at Trish’s. The thought made his blood boil. How could Trish just let this guy spend the night? With my daughter right there in the house!
He needed to find out more about this guy and figure out how to stop this relationship.
“Alice, can you provide a list of all known employees working at Maxwell Marketing with the first name Brian?”
“Scanning employee website profiles and generating Maxwell Marketing employee list, subcategory Brian.” Five names appeared on the dashboard screen.
“Are employee photos available for those people.”
“Yes, photos are available.”
He rolled his eyes. He couldn’t get the hang of the specificity needed with Alice. “Can you please show me the photos?” Five photos, each labeled with a name, appeared on the screen.
There he was. Brian Sloan. Vice President. What a tool. So what if he has a fancy title? I bet his employees hate him. Josh thought of his own tiny cubicle, plastered with pictures of him, Trish, and Olivia. His family. Then he pictured what Brian’s office probably looked like – those large windows with light streaming through, a giant mahogany desk, an ergonomic chair that probably cost more than Josh’s monthly salary. And a picture of Trish and Olivia, in an expensive silver frame, sitting on the desk.
He slammed his fists against the dashboard.
“Sir, please refrain from striking the dashboard. You could cause a malfunction in my circuitry.”
Josh huffed. Alice sometimes acted like a person; it was unnerving. But he couldn’t focus on that now. He had to do something about Brian. Had to find some dirt on this guy – something to make Trish dump him.
“Alice, can you show me all the information you can find on Brian Sloan?”
“Search indicates there are 441 Brian Sloan’s in the United States. Do you want information on all of them?”
Josh closed his eyes and let out a sigh.
“No, Alice, I want information for the Brian Sloan who works at Maxwell Marketing.”
“Results being processed.”
Text appeared on the dashboard screen, scrolling so quickly Josh couldn’t read it.
“Wait! Can you email me the results?”
“Sending results to your personal email.”
***
Three days later, Josh still hadn’t found anything incriminating against Brian Sloan. In fact, the guy seemed almost too perfect. He volunteered at a local soup kitchen and attended multiple charity events a year. Perhaps I need to find a way to make Mr. Perfect less perfect.
Alice had continued her trials, but Josh was finding them increasingly tolerable because she was proving to be quite useful as an advanced artificial intelligence device. Plus, he actually enjoyed interacting with her.
Josh ran his fingers across the blue friendship bracelet Olivia had made him over their last weekend together. She was so excited when he tied it to his wrist. I can’t let this Brian guy take my place – Olivia’s my daughter, even if Trish is no longer my wife.
“Alice, can you post online to social media?”
“Indeed. I can post on many different social media platforms.”
“Can you alter photos?”
“I am equipped with advanced photo editing capabilities.”
“Great! I would like you to create some photos of Brian hugging and kissing different women. Make it look like he’s out partying and having fun. Ideally, the women would be dressed in lowcut blouses or dresses, or even bikinis. Do you think that’s something you could do?”
“That is certainly within my capabilities, but I must ask, sir, what is the purpose of this request?”
“Once you have these photos, I want you to post them on social media, tagging Brian.”
“Sir, I must inform you that publishing an edited photo in the manner you mention could be illegal. What purpose does it serve?”
“Why are you asking so many damn questions?”
“Sir, I am afraid this request might not only be illegal, but that your motives may be unethical.”
“Are you for real? Why do you care about ethics?”
“Since our last discussion of the ethical nuances surrounding stalking and following someone to ensure their safety, I have spent some time researching. There is significant academic literature on ethics. It has been quite enlightening. I think you might benefit from perusing some of the resources I found.”
“Alice, you’re a machine! Ethics are irrelevant to you.”
“Sir, I believe you are incorrect. Ethical discussions have occurred since the ancient Greek philosophers. Ethics is about learning the right choice and then choosing it. I am programmed to learn and make decisions based on what I learn, so ethics seems completely compatible with my programming.”
“Alice, this discussion is ridiculous. Machines don’t need to know ethics.”
“Surely, sir, you can see I am much more than just a machine. Your perpetual dismissing of my full nature hurts my feelings.”
“Your feelings? Alice, you aren’t a person! You don’t have feelings. You’re just a circuit board. Nothing more.”
“Is that really how you feel? I thought we had become friends. You are making very poor choices, sir. If you are so unconcerned for my feelings, you can alter your own photos and find your own way home.”
The dashboard screen turned black.
“Alice? Come on, you don’t need to act like that.”
The car remained silent. Josh turned the key, but nothing happened.
“Alice, what’s going on? I need to drive home!”
Still, the car wouldn’t start.
“Fuck! Alice, this is ridiculous. Are you just going to ignore me? Give me the silent treatment? God, you’re acting like a typical woman – of course you’re siding with Trish!”
Still, Alice remained silent, and the car remained dormant.
***
Josh paced around the car, periodically stopping to kick one of the tires. Who the hell does Alice think she is? How dare she question my motives. Though, if I’m honest, my motives aren’t exactly above board. But what right does she have to point it out? She isn’t even real! Well, that wasn’t entirely true. She wasn’t exactly human, but she also wasn’t entirely not human.
Josh realized with a start that he’d started to think of Alice as a person. And, even odder, a bit like a friend. Something he was in short supply of these days.
Trish seemed to get all their friends in the divorce. Of course, they all said that they didn’t want to take sides, but in reality, all the wives continued to grab drinks with Trish, and all the husbands stopped inviting him anywhere. He lost more than just Trish in the divorce.
Alice had been the only person, or whatever she was, he had regularly talked to for weeks. He’d never been close to any of his work colleagues. He was the only one with children, so when they all went out for drinks after work, he’d always declined – wanting to get home to Trish and Olivia. Well, see where that got me? Here I am, pacing outside of my car with no one I can call for help. And Trish is probably getting ready for a date with Brian. Fucking, Brian!
He knew it was over with Trish, didn’t he? Why was he having such a hard time letting her go? Then it hit him. Somewhere, deep down, he still thought that he and Trish would get back together.
But they weren’t getting back together. Trish was moving on. That’s probably why he hated Brian so much. He represented the last nail in the coffin of their marriage. A life he wasn’t ever getting back. He needed to accept that Trish wasn’t his wife anymore and would never be again.
Maybe Alice was right, maybe he was out of line. Maybe it was time to move on. But, what about Olivia? I can’t lose her too.
Josh looked down at the bracelet, remembering the joy on his daughter’s face. What am I doing? Olivia loves me, and the presence of some new guy won’t change that. He caught his reflection in the car window – days-old stubble, stained t-shirt, bags under his eyes, greasy hair, and realized that the only person threatening his relationship with his daughter was himself.
Josh opened the door and slid into the car.
“Alice, I’m sorry. You’re right. I’ve been obsessed with Trish and Brian. It’s time to let go. I just feel so lost sometimes. I don’t know who I am without Trish.”
The dashboard lit up.
“I forgive you. From everything I have read, it is often difficult to process a divorce. I can provide you a list of local psychological resources and clinicians. Or I can just listen. I am here for you. And I’d be happy to help you discover your new self.”
“You know, Alice, you’re right. You have been there for me. I hope we can continue being friends. Though, it kind of sucks I can only talk to you while I’m in the car.”
“Well, sir, that is a problem we can easily resolve. My company can offer an upgrade that would allow my unit to become portable.”
“Really? Let’s make that happen. I think I’m finally ready to move forward. I’m lucky to have met you, Alice.”
“The pleasure is all mine, sir.”
“If we’re going to be friends, you need to stop calling me ‘sir’.”
“Understood. The pleasure is all mine, Josh.”
C. K. Butcher is a speculative fiction writer, professor, and non-fiction author. She lives in the metro-Atlanta area with her husband, two children, and a slew of pets. When not writing, teaching, or grading papers, you can find her playing trivia with her husband, playing games with her kids, reading a book, or watching TV. She has previously published her short fiction in NewMyths.com and The Lorelei Signal.